urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1 keep me from total madness Audrey 2006-05-18T00:10:19Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:50615 2006-05-18T00:10:19Z 2006-05-18T00:10:19Z i guess you could say i miss him. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:50244 2006-04-17T03:24:11Z 2006-04-17T03:24:11Z i like big butts moo moo wants me to be his ghetto princess.<br />so he's making me give him the middle finger,<br />with my thumb UP.<br /><br /><br />welcome to my world urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:50122 2006-03-06T00:33:28Z 2006-03-06T00:33:28Z its been a while<br /><br />things are okay <br />i just feel like shit<br /><br />grandma died on friday, so that was bad<br /><br />im just really tired of all this stuff going on urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:49884 2006-02-13T22:20:20Z 2006-02-13T22:20:20Z leona naess - all i want Gentle face,<br />Eyes drawn dark.<br />Symmetrical views.<br />Parallel and wordless. - this creation has evolved. <br />Illustrated precisely - <br />Gentle face,<br />Says so much - <br />Silently.<br />So much to say,<br />Never enough time.<br />Never enough patience.<br />Comprehension - likely to dismay.<br />Gentle face, <br />Bewilders those who watch.<br />Those who see her, <br />Are those like her.<br />Dimensions unfathomable,<br />Gentle face,<br />Is right, wrong, <br />Black, white,<br />Light and dark, <br />Gentle face,<br />Is much like you and me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:49525 2006-02-09T02:33:24Z 2006-02-09T02:33:24Z alanis morisette - perfect i dont know whats going on with me<br />i just know im freaking out<br />and im not being silly.<br />take me seriously<br /><br />i cant sit still<br />my hands fidget<br />i cant read a book<br /> im thinkinggggg<br />constant thoughts - <br />bouncing around in this head of mine.<br />or i find myself staring into outter space - doing soemthing ridiculous.<br /><br />last weekend i went to boston with britt.<br />so nice.<br />we went there real early,8ish<br />and it was so different.<br />i barely could handle it.<br />i was so fidgety, its like nothing in the world could have made me happy. <br />made me friggen nauseous - the thought that home wasnt good enough.<br /><br />i cry a lot <br />lately.<br />and i really could care less who see's me cry now.<br />who the efffff gives a fuck.<br />too much to handle.<br />too much to deal with. <br />too much to cry about<br />and never enough tears.<br /><br />im vulnerable.<br />in a state i never would have put myself in.<br />but im here for some reason.<br /><br />my grandmas dying.<br />my parents wont listen<br />my sister drives me crazy<br />or maybe im just driving myself crazy.<br />im the problem,<br />so they say.<br />and im so sick of it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:49197 2006-02-06T23:42:18Z 2006-02-06T23:42:18Z all the shadows have made ladders<br />and all that mattered, yes all that matters<br />is lifted from view<br />as i'm gazing at stars<br />counting parked cars<br />i can't stop missing you<br /><br />so leave the light on <br />i know you think i've gone<br />let time go<br />let the rivers flow you back to me<br />as we're living our own days in our old fashioned ways<br />i'm silently with you<br /><br />round and round is where we go<br />and where we stop nobody knows<br />a drunken dream or broken seam, <br />it doesn't matter how you find me<br />my arms are reaching for you <br />and my lips are waiting to adore you<br />i promise to try urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:48983 2006-01-30T23:10:02Z 2006-01-30T23:10:02Z owen - declaration of incomplete <p><strong>Nothing is more Certain than Death</strong></p> <p>If we're looking for certainty, nothing is more certain than death. Therefore the most impotant thing is that right now, without hesitation, we do our best to accumulate <u>"teasures of the heart"</u> that will endure eternally. Most people, however, live out their lives putting off this most important issue of all, spending their time instead in pusuit of momentary pleasure. Nothing is more important than the issue of life and death itself. <strong>Everything else is of little conseuqence by comparison.</strong> We will absolutely understand this at the time of death. (THe Wisdom of the Lotus Sutra, vol. 4, p.280)</p> <p>&nbsp;</p> <p><font color="#000099">Nam&nbsp; Myoho Renge Kyo -</font></p> <p>friends, </p> <p>family,</p> <p>&nbsp;grandma, </p> <p>to understand death, </p> <p>get more involved in activities, </p> <p>find&nbsp;a support system</p> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:48643 2006-01-30T02:18:33Z 2006-01-30T02:18:33Z stevie wonder - golden lady visited my grandma in the hospital today.made me sad because these are the actual last days. i started crying, telling her how bad i felt about how i didnt come and see her enough. She said it was okay and hugged me and said she understood. so mascara was everywhere and i was mess; once again. and then we talked about everything else. <br />I really think she's one of the only people who actually see's the potential in me. I know my parents see something in me too, but god damn, im just fucking sick of being compared to my sister. imature - yes, but its getting a little ridiculous. anyways, for once i had a family member on my side. or at least i felt that way. im just sick of feeling like shit because of the stuff my sister says. and the stuff my parents imply. and the stuff i think - due to their implications. (&lt;--is that a word?) <br /><br />fuck thatttt<br /><br />i shall chant about it, <br />and win.<br /><br />as for the rest of the weekend,<br />i heart dan<br />and thank gooooooodness he's here. <br /><br />i gave my experience at the kaikan today! i was nervous because there were lots more peoplet han i had expected, but im happy i did it. i needed to do it. <br />i need to get a job,<br />get involved with more buddhist things, <br />and do some volunteer work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:48444 2006-01-26T01:57:54Z 2006-01-26T01:57:54Z I am As I Grew Older<br /> <br /> <br />It was a long time ago.<br />I have almost forgotten my dream.<br />But it was there then,<br />In front of me,<br />Bright like a sun--<br />My dream.<br />And then the wall rose,<br />Rose slowly,<br />Slowly,<br />Between me and my dream.<br />Rose until it touched the sky--<br />The wall.<br />Shadow.<br />I am black.<br />I lie down in the shadow.<br />No longer the light of my dream before me,<br />Above me.<br />Only the thick wall.<br />Only the shadow.<br />My hands!<br />My dark hands!<br />Break through the wall!<br />Find my dream!<br />Help me to shatter this darkness,<br />To smash this night,<br />To break this shadow<br />Into a thousand lights of sun,<br />Into a thousand whirling dreams<br />Of sun! <br /><br />Langston Hughes urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:48301 2006-01-24T04:01:16Z 2006-01-24T04:01:16Z death cab for cutie - soul meets body i heart dan urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:47879 2006-01-21T14:54:38Z 2006-01-21T14:54:38Z coldplay - we never change He tells me not to fear the dead,<br />Fear the living.<br />And I can’t help but take to heart,<br />What he says.<br /><br />I’d love to sleep at night,<br />No shadows on the walls,<br />No beckoning calls. <br />And the truth,<br />That saturates my cells, <br />Is easing me now.<br /><br />Frightening, <br />How thoughts can take over.<br />How you can see right through me,<br />And leave me<br />Exposed for the world to see. <br /><br />The solution to all my problems<br />Is right in front of me. <br />Outward blame,<br />Is hardly a treatment<br />And the only thing,<br />I can look to change,<br />Is within myself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:47803 2006-01-18T03:29:06Z 2006-01-18T03:29:06Z the horses - rickie lee jones Due to my mother, I was a child much like everyone else. Timid, and tolerable. Amiable and frightened of the dark. I’d often find myself day dreaming, always imagining, always humming the tunes on the radio, even at the dinner table. Always looking up at the bright blue sky, or trying to figure out just exactly how tall those buildings were. Things were simple then; things were “easy.” Things were” normal.” <br /> This so called normality, this so called order by which each family based its structure upon, well we didn’t exactly fit into that category. Maybe we weren’t normal, maybe we were special and just fine the way we were. Maybe this was our normality. All of this. <br /> Sometimes people would ask me about my parents. For a long time it was hard to figure out exactly how I felt about them. I still don’t exactly know what to say. My parents were both very loving people. Their marriage failed, which had its own effects on my sister and I, but besides all of that, my parents are the most loving, compassionate, truthful, generous people I have ever met. <br /> My father was a man I couldn’t quite understand. Curiously, I’d often ask many questions about his childhood when he tucked us into bed. I’d listen carefully at what he told us, always sure to take mental notes. He was not quite stable financially, but he was the most secure person I’ve ever met. He knew exactly who he was; and exactly what he was to do. He was perfectly content in his own footsteps. As a child I felt this and grew up thinking that this was what life was about. I grew up with an identity, with a personality, with ideas and plenty of energy to fulfill them. I too became comfortable with myself, or who I was to become. I became just as he was, comfortable, lenient, generous, and full of life. <br /> My mother on the other hand was very different than my father. She worked constantly, always keeping us afloat; always keeping us from being pulled away with the tide. As time went on she grew worn out, and exhausted, but she always pulled through. She pulled through for us. One of the most extraordinary women I have ever met, my mother was beautiful with her words; her actions; she was a beautiful person. <br /> At times I would ignore my mom; because what she said was “not fun” At other times I would latch myself onto her leg. Like a magnet; I couldn’t help but be attached. My father and I, our relationship had a consistency like that of peanut butter and jelly. Always my accomplice; my best friend. We would go to the park, and he would bring me to places I‘d never been. We’d roam the city streets, where possibilities seemed endless and thoughts meandered all throughout the air. College students gathered and sat in the Commons, while others played catch, and business people rushed everywhere to be on time for their meetings. I swear, those business people are like their own separate flock. Always so determined, so structured and determined in their ways. Spilling coffee on their suits really never slows them down. They were always fun to watch; to imagine what it would be like, to lead a life just like that. <br /> Their were all sorts of sorts in the city, and it was nearly impossible to become tired on those days. I never did understand how one could fall asleep on the train ride home. It was far too exciting to easily fall asleep. I was full of energy, full of promise, full of life. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:47569 2006-01-15T22:31:44Z 2006-01-15T22:31:44Z 311- amber everyones dying.<br />nam myoho renge kyo -&gt; grant<br />why is reality frightening?<br /><br />i hate growing up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:47339 2006-01-12T22:02:48Z 2006-01-12T22:02:48Z world on fire - sarah mclachlan yea im pretty sure diabetes sucks ass.<br />ive had low bloodsugars every single morning this week, ranging from 40's to 60. wtf?<br />i keep lowering my doses, and eating a shit load the night before, and i still come in low! <br />that would be awesome if i didnt have diabetes anymore, awesome - but wont happen.<br />i miss being a kid.<br />i miss scooter soccer, practically living at kristins,<br /> i miss winthrop in general.<br />i guess there's no place like home? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:46886 2006-01-09T23:00:47Z 2006-01-09T23:00:47Z brand new - the quiet things that no one ever knows my life is blah<br />im feeling like im in-between emotions, which is probably the worst thing ever.<br />i just need a book<br />some coffee<br />and a cookie.<br />alex is like my male equivelance,<br />it is weird, but pretty awesome too.<br />at least someone understands things. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:46645 2006-01-06T14:12:27Z 2006-01-06T14:12:27Z pink floyd - comfortably numb i wanna pierce my nose urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:46570 2006-01-03T22:37:48Z 2006-01-03T22:37:48Z shawn colvin - get out of this house someone help me.<br /><br /><br />things that dan has done in the past like 2 weeks :<br /><br />told me that lindsey (his ex) makes him horny<br /><br />told me that he cant be with me because he doesnt know how he feels (also has to do with lindsey)<br /><br />told me that he wanted to kiss her two days ago<br /><br />and also lastly, <br /><br />CALLED ME FUCKING LINDSEY LAST NIGHT ON THE PHONE.<br /><br /><br />I HATE BOYS.<br />someone remind me,<br />in the time to come,<br />to NEVER LIKE ANOTHER BOY AGAIN. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:46329 2006-01-02T17:10:56Z 2006-01-02T17:10:56Z james blunt - wisemen i hate boys :( urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:45879 2006-01-01T22:50:04Z 2006-01-01T22:50:04Z the postal service - brand new colony i blinked. and this vacation, is over. <br />and it sucks<br />i miss boston and dan<br />bostonnnnnnn &lt;3<br />dannnnn &lt;3 <br />and im sickkkk<br />gross. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:45668 2005-12-28T16:24:52Z 2005-12-28T16:24:52Z ben folds five - shes a brick so!<br />this vacation is kick-asssssssssssss<br />i love boston, and this boyyyyyyyyy<br />so so much<br />and my friends too!<br />:) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:45550 2005-12-24T17:38:55Z 2005-12-24T17:38:55Z sublime - bad fish its christmas eve~!<br />and it doesnt feel like it. <br />it never feels like anything anymore, part of growing up? <br />wheres the fun in that?<br />this vacation better be fun too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:45255 2005-12-23T14:31:31Z 2005-12-23T14:31:31Z sheryl crow - leaving las vegas my bloodsugar was 420 last night, before i went to bed. <br />to make a long story short, i threw up 4-5 times (i dont remember) <br />welcome to my life? <br />i hate diabetes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:45025 2005-12-21T20:17:46Z 2005-12-21T20:17:46Z breakdown - jack johnson it is the season of giving, and i love it!<br />i dont think i have ever felt so appreciative of my friends.<br />i really miss them, and i wrote them all letters, because i have no money to buy them gifts. but i figure, the letters are wayyyy more lovable than some materialistic piece of shit that means nothing. <br /><br />i'm screwing up with school. im absent way too much, but im chanting an hour a day, and im chanting two hours today. im chanting to transform my life. i feel like im living my fear, the fear of being left behind, fear of being less then, the fear of being lost, the fear of being hated, and the fear of failing. i dont want to hurt people, i dont want to endanger my own life, or cause difficulties rather. today i chanted, and i was pretty much yelling at the gohonzon, thinking "i will transform this, i will change this, i wont give up, i'll find a way to win" but its hard, and i still doubt myself. sometimes i just wish there was someone who could tell me and reassure that everything would eventually be fine; i will get into college and all that shit. i'm sick of making excuses for myself, and lying, im sick of being confused about so many things. im chanting to have the answers, to find the answers, to grow, to learn, to be strong. i know my potential and i know that it's huge! i just dont know where to begin. i need to write, and change things. but yea, im not going to give up. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:44679 2005-12-19T14:28:24Z 2005-12-19T14:28:24Z this weekend was gooooooooooooood.<br />kind of.<br />dan came and stayed in rhode island<br />and we got my tree, yayayayayay <br />besides that, we didnt do much.<br />im hungry and in school and i want a bacon and cheese sandwich righttttttttt now.<br />i'm reading Sylvia Plath's journal.its really interesting, she's not whom i had expected her to be. its kinda weird, having her grown up in winthrop and all. but good book, you should read it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:audbal1:44489 2005-12-15T22:04:42Z 2005-12-15T22:04:42Z john mayer - my stupid mouth today i randomly freaked out about Will Floyd. <br />I guess it just hit me.<br />it's sad,<br />how no one even knew.<br />how no one helped or anything <br />i wish i did<br />but rip Will.